Tuesday, October 30, 2012

“There is no life as complete as the life that is lived by choice.”

     Where to begin... I've gotten terrible about keeping everyone up to date on things. Then again, this blog was initially created to keep everyone updated with Stoney and I, and it's safe to say we haven't been all that busy since July. On a quick note though, keep your eye out for a new layout on my blog that will be coming real soon! Going back to my grey, obnoxious monster, I'll let everyone know that his injury is healing better than my two vets could have wanted, and they are quite thrilled with the process. They are so thrilled that Dr. Hersman decided to not do the second stem cell treatment upon examining him for the second time this past weekend. 
     So, after a month of walking under saddle, we are now on to trotting a little each day. Just like Dr. Anderson and Dr. Hersman, I am relieved his rehab is going so well, and I am equally relieved he's able to be in some sort of work in the hopes that he will stop attempting to throw me in the dirt. I will tell you, he has already succeeded once... And I have absolutely no idea how it has ONLY been once (I am knocking on wood as I type this with one hand). I am quite positive I will be reunited with the ground again (probably more than once) when Stoney is allowed to begin jumping again.
      Now that he is in a routine of spooking at absolutely everything, even if it only exists in his mind, a neck strap to hold on to when trying to stick to the bronco has become a normal every day piece of tack that is put on. Let me say, it works way better than grabbing mane, which usually results in me pulling literal chunks out in my attempts to stay on. Oh yes, it has been quite an exciting, entertaining (for others who get to witness his wicked moves), and not so boring time bringing this horse back. The perks of owning a thoroughbred. It's true when I tell you that up until now, I've never ridden a horse that I wondered every day for quite some time if I would even stay on for the half hour I was in the saddle. Nevertheless, I will say that after this is all said and done with, one thing I won't be is loose in the tack.
     It's safe to say Stoney has been feeling quite good about himself lately. The more he is allowed to do the more mentally sane he becomes... at least for the first week or two. He then becomes bored again, is convinced he is good enough to do more, and I am left holding on for dear life as birds, other horses, and motorcycles from two acres away cause him to leave the ground off all four. Literally, this horse finds anything he can as an excuse to act out, and when there is nothing, he results to making it up in his imagination. I am then nicely left with a ticking time bomb underneath me, unable to predict when the next round of bucking and rearing will occur. All this started out quite harmless, with him just acting out once or twice a week, but after succeeded in getting me off, it has now turned into a full on attempt (multiple times per day) to just have me hit the dirt again. The neck strap and myself refuse to let this happen.
     Like I said, it's been interesting to say the least. As for school, of course I'm still absolutely in love with North Texas. I am planning on rushing in the spring and getting more involved on campus and am really looking forward to it. I'll go ahead and let everyone know that after a lot of thinking, I've decided that it is time for me to take a break from the eventing world and competing for a little while. While you retrieve your jaw from the floor, I'll tell you that I was just as surprised as you are that I've come to this conclusion. 
     To say this last year has been tough for me in the horse world doesn't quite cover it in my mind. It's always been tough, but this year just hit me with one thing after another. There's only so much one girl can take. I believe you need to fight for what you want to achieve in life, but I have put up a fight for quite a long time. After numerous times of thinking there was none left in me, I found a will to stand myself on my two feet again. I just can't seem to do that anymore.While I believe you need to fight for what you want to achieve in life, I also believe that you need to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. 
     Like I said above, this decision to take a break from the sport has already been considered a few times in the last three or so years when I've faced hardships and defeat. I can tell you, it is not a new feeling. A big factor in all of this was the fact that to own a horse and board it down here would require that I work to help pay some of it off. Owning a horse and working come as a joint package with no exception from my parents. Keeping up with both of those means not having enough time and energy to focus and get the grades I need to keep my scholarships and eventually be accepted into pharmacy school. I'm afraid if I don't focus on school, I will not be able to get a profession that will allow me to comfortably afford this sport in my future, and yet I'm also afraid if I don't have a horse, there will be a huge gaping void in me. A downing situation? Tell me about it.
     After a lot of discussing with the family, we've decided to just put the money in the bank that we get out of selling Stoney once he is better and let it sit for a while. Part of it will go towards getting me another truck with less miles, and the rest will be saved until I am ready to buy myself a really nice and talented novice level horse. Do I think my break from competing and owning a horse will last more than six months? I doubt it. I'd give it a year tops. And even if I find myself unable to take that long of a break from owning a horse, I know I could be very happy for a few years just having a young horse and bringing him along with the help of Mike and Heather but not necessarily competing all that much (that much meaning about four events a year). If I chose that, like I said, I would have to work as well, and that is just not something I can handle at this time.
     I honestly can't see where my life will go once Stoney sells, because for the first time in ten years, I will not own a horse, and my horse will not be the complete and utter focus of my life. However, I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing; it's just a very unfamiliar and somewhat scary thing. Although it's frightening, I find peace in knowing I don't have to worry because God already has it all planned out for me. I've decided it's time for me to stop spreading myself thin and for me to stop sacrificing everything for a sport that I haven't even been given much success with in return. 
     All this time, I've chosen for my life to be as difficult and exhausting as it is. I've made the decisions to take on so much, and now I'm just choosing to make my life easier. That's what's so great about life. It's yours. You're in control of it. Getting to live your life by your own choices is the greatest freedom you will ever encounter. Your life can be whatever you want it to be, and right now, this is currently what I'm choosing to do with mine.