New Chapters and Old Cliches

     So I'll cut to the chase by stating that Stoney is entered in  Feather Creek Horse Trials at the end of March, our first competition in ten months. Yes, the excitement is uncontrollable (although I'm hoping he can control it). Since coming back to Texas, Stoney was able to start actually jumping on a regular basis since we have great facilities and fantastic weather here. The last month I've literally done nothing but jump a little every day in the hopes of him getting over the excitement of jumping again. It's yet to work... Along with that, I've been seeing everyone's statuses and pictures from Florida, making me depressed (exaggerating a little) and wishing I was there. I guess God decided to make me feel better by providing me with Florida weather because the past three weeks have been gorgeous here. Not to mention I have the next best thing from going to Florida, which is getting to ride Yoda and Jack everyday, Mrs. Lynne's other two horses.
     So back to Stoney. Just this past week, Dr. Anderson came out and gave me the thumbs up to start raising the fences. I was a little worried since we were still rushing at novice level fences and taking off bucking on the backside. I mean, we've yet to finish a course without having to stop and cool our jets in the middle. However, I did think that Stoney may start to respect the jumps and act like a mature horse again if I raised them, sort of like he did a few years ago. So, with that in mind I took the chance. After the few days off and the few days of hacking after getting his hocks injected, I raised the jumps one morning. With the exception of straightness, he was quite fantastic. Straightness was a huge issue though that will definitely be worked on everyday. The wiggle worm was all over the place, but his rhythm was the most consistent it's been since starting him over fences again. Hooray for some progress.
    Before Feather Creek, Stoney and I will be doing a combined test out at Quail Run to see how he handles the show environment after not being exposed to it for quite a while. If all goes well, I will ride him training level at Feather Creek. If he decides that he doesn't have the self control to deal with his excitement, then Heather will ride him at Feather Creek. However, Mike prefers that I ride him if he is acting well so that he can be sold as an amateur's horse.
     Which leads me to my next point. Today I completed a for sale ad for him to be posted online. My brain has yet to find comforting thoughts to fill my mind. Yes, I know it's the right decision in my head (not like I have much of a choice in the matter anyway), but of course my heart is breaking at the thought of having to sell him. For those of you who don't have a horse and struggle to understand, it's like breaking up with a boyfriend. We're talking about a boyfriend you've spent time with at least six days a week for the past three years. Yeah, not too easy. It's the same for us horse girls. And it's just as life altering.
     While I believe that it is hard for everyone to sell a horse they have spent that much time with, I feel it's harder for me. For one, the fact that this horse has so much personality and quirkiness just makes it that much harder to part ways with him. The most difficult aspect though is the fact that I am having to part ways with a horse that made me better and one that I brought up the levels and made. With this horse, I competed at the preliminary level for the first time and did things I'd only hoped to do up until buying him. He made me a far better rider than I could have ever been with a different horse. With all the help and hours Mike and Heather contributed, I'm now able to call Stoney a horse that's well established at the preliminary level. All the education instilled into that horse was not there before I purchased him.
     It seems like there are few people these days that want to go out and buy a young horse and make great horses themselves. I feel like most people want to go out and buy the horse that's been there done that. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. In fact, I know for a fact that if my parents had the money, they would have gone out and bought that horse for me in a heart beat. However, there is something truly special about owning a horse that you know is where he's at today because of the hard work, dedication, and endless hours that you put in with him. That is by far what makes it so hard for me to let go of him. He's who he is today because of me. And it's the same for me.
     Let me state the obvious and say that eventing is filled with many owners who possess great income. They are able to own a horse and compete comfortably. There are so many who don't understand what it's like to have to sell their horse because they can't afford to keep them as well as pay for other important things in their lives. Yes, I know I said we were already planning on selling Stoney originally, but I no longer have the luxury of being able to buy another horse like others can.
     So many thoughts go through my head, wondering if he's going to go to someone who will spoil him as much as I do and treat him as well as I feel he deserves. That's all I want. Someone who will take such good care of him because I know that when it comes to competing, he will take such great care of his owner.
     As if living life without a horse wasn't enough of a damper, I am also forced to sell my truck when Stoney sells and get a car that gets better gas mileage. I am currently known as "that horse girl" and "the girl who drives a truck" by my friends at school. But not much longer. Then what am I supposed to say when people I just met ask about me? I can give them the extremely lame excuse of saying I'm athletic and love the outdoors, yet I don't play any sports. I can now just add on to the list, saying I used to play soccer, used to play basketball, and used to ride horses. Now I do nothing and I'm really not that interesting of  a person anymore because everything that defined who I was has been stripped away. Yup, that's what I'll say. Not really. But I think I got my point across. I fear once these things are gone from my life, I won't be nearly as interesting of a person anymore. Not like being interesting was benefiting me all that much anyway if we're talking about the dating aspect of things. But that's a whole different story in itself, and an extremely disappointing one at that.
     I'm well aware that all my posts these days are quite depressing. I would understand if you got tired of reading them just for that reason. But if it makes you sad and a little depressed just reading it, imagine how it feels to be living it. 
     These massive, life altering changes in my life deeply scare me. They scare me because I can't begin to see what a life without owning a horse will be like for me. I know I will still be able to go watch everyone at shows and even ride (Mrs. Lynne has already guaranteed me horse time when I need it), but there is just something about having a horse to call your own. However, having such great people in my life who will let me ride their horses when I want to is something I'm so grateful for.
     So, with knowing that Stoney will most likely be sold by this upcoming summer and not currently having a job, I decided that rushing this spring was something I would be very thankful for once I am left without a horse. Words can't describe how excited I am to start this new chapter of my life with the girls of Kappa Delta. They are the kindest and most down to earth girls I've met in a long, long time. They are similar to my closest friends from the barn. To be able to find girls like that and friendships at that level outside of the horse world is something I'm very excited about. Seriously, words can't describe it. I am so so so so so happy to be a part of Kappa Delta and have so many great sisters that I can go to for anything. Although I've been stressed the past few weeks with attending KD stuff as well as riding three horses a day....and going to school...and doing homework, I'm positive becoming apart of Kappa Delta was the right decision. It just feels right. If that makes sense at all. I am so lucky that I will have these girls and some fun events ahead to help keep me busy and happy once Stoney sells.
     A few posts back I wrote about how great it is to be able to live the life you choose for yourself and to have the freedom to change things in your life. I still believe that. I've come to realize though that I neglected to say just how awfully petrifying it is to change your life and everything you've ever known. I'm not a strong person. This has mentally and emotionally taken a toll on me. And it's exhausting trying to act like I'm okay all the time. Nevertheless, I take comfort in knowing that it will get easier with time. Everything does. It's a fact of life. Yes, I will refer to the terribly overused cliché about the one door closing and another opening. But in my case, I feel like the one door closing (which I believe to be only temporary) leaves me with not just one, but many new open doors. I'd say I'm pretty lucky in that department of things.